I dreamed I was riding in my grandparents' van with my dad's mother -- you know the type I'm talking about. Those pointed nose vans that remind you of aired out metal sharks. That kind. Grandma and I aren't that close, we're just riding together in awkward silence. I sit shotgun. We're near the home I grew up in. The house I look at now and swear it should have been condemned. The creek water rises and spills into Lewis road like it does this time every year. Everything is beginning to flood and I feel as though we are in a monsoon. The day is dark. But Grandma keeps driving. Emotionless. And without speaking a word. It is when I spot a growing image in the side mirror. A black funnel follows us. Grandma pulls the van to the side of the road near some trees whose limbs are being ripped from unstable trunks. Grandma continues to look forward; everything is mechanical. Frantic, I brace myself for impact as the cyclone hurls us into the air. We spin. Spin. Spin. Spin. The van lands hard into the spewing creek. It is not until I see blood on the cracked windshield that I realize we've landed upside down and I've gashed my head. Water begins to pour into the van's chamber. I cannot swim. I'm trapped.
And then, I wake up.
Although I had this dream a couple of weeks ago, it still haunts me. Waking up this way instantly makes a person feel Freudian. I quickly look up the meanings of tornadoes in dreams. "Usually when you have a dream where a tornado swiftly overtakes you, it is the mind's way of expressing chaos in your waking life. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it will often feel like life is spinning out of control, much like a tornado. These feelings will often hide in a dream." And then of course there's this: "Tornadoes may also appear in dreams when it feels like you have no control over a certain situation. These feelings could also be influenced by someone else. For instance, if there is someone close in your life that is prone to mood swings or emotional outbursts, this could be causing you to feel like you have no control." I suppose this makes sense lately -- in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. This sense of chaos. Because nothing makes sense anymore. Perhaps this is just me joining the real world. Aside from the chaos, nothing makes sense anymore and I go from happy to sad to "I don't give a fuck" in a matter of minutes. Physically, it's making me ill. Psychologically, it sickens me as well. I no longer know where to go.
***
On another note, I think it's safe for me to finally discuss the man whose disappearance from my life has crushed me. Michael Jackson. And it sounds silly. Upon hearing the news, I was stunned. Instantly, tears formed in my eyes like the great magician Merlin had poisoned me with mysticism. I was crushed. How could what I deem to be the greatest musician of all time, leave this world? Ever since I was a little girl, I remember Santa bringing me Michael Jackson cassettes and leaving them as stocking stuffers. My mother discussed taking me to see the great MJ perform when I was younger. I never went.
Perhaps it's the Hoosier connection, perhaps it's the music and the talent. Whatever the reason, I LOVED that man. Some people reacted to his death with jokes -- I got exceedingly offensive. Some said it was silly to mourn the loss of this man who had OBVIOUSLY been in trouble with "little boys", etc. I could have cared less. I still believed he was the most talented artist of all time.
But upon watching bits and pieces of his memorial service, something clicked. Paris, his daughter, reached the stage giving a tearful goodbye to her father. Here I am, crying over a man I never knew and this little girl has lost her father. . . I cannot begin to fathom what that must be like. And it's silly of me to feel sad over something like this. There are millions of people out there who lose loved ones everyday and those loved ones do not receive the admiration or celebrity status that Michael received. And although I know this is strictly a money matter, I also know there are millions of people in this world just as talented as MJ; they simply live in different avenues of life, do not need/want the celebrity status, or whatever his or her reason may be.
Michael, you were my favorite musician and I'm sad you're no longer with us but I'm even more sad for those around me who have lost the greatest people in their lives. People that were much bigger than Michael would have ever been. I feel ashamed for getting caught up in the things that do not really matter and apologize to all the people that do matter.
And then, I wake up.
Although I had this dream a couple of weeks ago, it still haunts me. Waking up this way instantly makes a person feel Freudian. I quickly look up the meanings of tornadoes in dreams. "Usually when you have a dream where a tornado swiftly overtakes you, it is the mind's way of expressing chaos in your waking life. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it will often feel like life is spinning out of control, much like a tornado. These feelings will often hide in a dream." And then of course there's this: "Tornadoes may also appear in dreams when it feels like you have no control over a certain situation. These feelings could also be influenced by someone else. For instance, if there is someone close in your life that is prone to mood swings or emotional outbursts, this could be causing you to feel like you have no control." I suppose this makes sense lately -- in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. This sense of chaos. Because nothing makes sense anymore. Perhaps this is just me joining the real world. Aside from the chaos, nothing makes sense anymore and I go from happy to sad to "I don't give a fuck" in a matter of minutes. Physically, it's making me ill. Psychologically, it sickens me as well. I no longer know where to go.
***
On another note, I think it's safe for me to finally discuss the man whose disappearance from my life has crushed me. Michael Jackson. And it sounds silly. Upon hearing the news, I was stunned. Instantly, tears formed in my eyes like the great magician Merlin had poisoned me with mysticism. I was crushed. How could what I deem to be the greatest musician of all time, leave this world? Ever since I was a little girl, I remember Santa bringing me Michael Jackson cassettes and leaving them as stocking stuffers. My mother discussed taking me to see the great MJ perform when I was younger. I never went.
Perhaps it's the Hoosier connection, perhaps it's the music and the talent. Whatever the reason, I LOVED that man. Some people reacted to his death with jokes -- I got exceedingly offensive. Some said it was silly to mourn the loss of this man who had OBVIOUSLY been in trouble with "little boys", etc. I could have cared less. I still believed he was the most talented artist of all time.
But upon watching bits and pieces of his memorial service, something clicked. Paris, his daughter, reached the stage giving a tearful goodbye to her father. Here I am, crying over a man I never knew and this little girl has lost her father. . . I cannot begin to fathom what that must be like. And it's silly of me to feel sad over something like this. There are millions of people out there who lose loved ones everyday and those loved ones do not receive the admiration or celebrity status that Michael received. And although I know this is strictly a money matter, I also know there are millions of people in this world just as talented as MJ; they simply live in different avenues of life, do not need/want the celebrity status, or whatever his or her reason may be.
Michael, you were my favorite musician and I'm sad you're no longer with us but I'm even more sad for those around me who have lost the greatest people in their lives. People that were much bigger than Michael would have ever been. I feel ashamed for getting caught up in the things that do not really matter and apologize to all the people that do matter.
